Replici de agăţat care merg ceas

În timp ce aşteptam metroul, butonând nu ştiu ce aplicaţii pe telefon, vederea periferică mi-a reperat la un moment dat un tip care era destul de agitat şi care se tot fâstâcea, plimbându-se într-un perimetru relativ redus – cumva învârtindu-se în cerc. M-am prefăcut că nu-l observ şi că-mi văd de treabă, însă l-am urmărit un timp să văd ce are de gând. Într-un final am înţeles ce anume îi genera această stare de nervozitate – îşi făcea curaj să abordeze o fată.

Cum respectiva domnişoară se afla în apropierea mea, am auzit şi cum s-a hotărât să i se adreseze: “Nu te supăra, ştii cumva în ce parte e Dristorul?” Din limbajul nonverbal şi din tonul vocii era evident nu numai că ştie unde-i Dristorul, ci şi că locuieşte în Dristor. Ba chiar, foarte probabil, el a fost cel care a tăiat panglica de inaugurare a gurii de metrou. Această întâmplare mi-a adus aminte de o replică de agăţat din tinereţe: “Domnişoară, ai un ceas?”

Când eram şi eu copil ca voi, mergeam la ăştia mai mari ca să mă înveţe cum să agăţ femei şi toţi îmi spuneau acelaşi lucru:

“- Uite ce trebuie să faci – te duci şi întrebi cât e ceasul.

– Şi dup-aia?

– Lasă, bă, dup-aia ştiu ele. Tu trebuie doar să te bagi în vorbă.”

Zis şi făcut. Aveam reţeta, aveam determinarea, după vreo câteva rotiri în cerc ca uliu’ – întocmai precum individul de mai sus -, ajungeam să adresez şi întrebarea. Imediat venea şi fatidicul răspuns, rostit pe un ton rece, neaşteptat de neduios: “Doişpe fără un sfert”. Mulţumind politicos pentru informaţie, mă retrăgeam agale (tot ca uliul) călcând aerul c-o singură aripă (căci cealaltă era rănită), întrebându-mă încontinuu: “Unde am greşit? Unde am greşit…? Poate dacă mergeam la doişpe fix…”

Nici nu ştiu ce răspuns ar fi putut fi catalogat ca fiind favorabil şi care ar fi trebuit să fie reacţia mea ulterioară, am fost asigurat doar că “ştiu ele”. Se pare că alea la care mergeam eu nu ştiau. Nişte proaste. Ce să le ceri? Mă gândesc că un răspuns ideal ar fi fost ceva de genul: “Îmi pare rău, n-am ceas, însă putem să ne f*tem dacă vrei.”

Trebuie precizat faptul că până la urmă, din păcate, n-am reuşit să agăţ nimic cu tehnica ceasului, însă avantajul era că ştiam în permanenţă ora exactă. Puteai fixa Big Ben-ul după mine.

P.S. Acum nici teoretic nu mai merge treaba cu ceasul. Trebuie să fii prea copilu’ străzii să n-ai şi tu o coajă de telefon de la care să afli ora. Ca atare, vi-o recomand p-aia cu Dristoru’.

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